It's a little too strange to relive the past year and all that it started as, all that it ended as. So many firsts. So many lasts. But isn't every year somewhat that way? I refuse to be a captive to sadness and mourning over phantoms I cannot bring back to life. However, I can't refuse the nostalgia about all of it. Regrets, what ifs...it'll just mess with your thoughts, hold you back, and I'm not trying to be immobile.
My mind still races daily and never seems to settle on any one particular thing. It is almost like I have to literally sit down and consciously think, pushing aside and clearing space so that I can actually see what is occurring inside my head. Everyone's moving ahead in life - do they know where they're going? They seem to see it so clearly, have it all together I guess. I, too, feel myself advancing toward something but not always sure exactly where. Too afraid of where I'm heading sometimes, afraid to analyze too deeply my decisions, what I agree to or give assent to, or what I don't decide to do. Sometimes I'm just afraid to feel the pain I know resides beneath the exterior, to acknowledge the anxiety I feel about some of my choices. I don't want to look too closely at some of my hasty assumptions about what is okay or not. When you have broken something, a favorite vase or decorative ornament, you try so hard not to look at the shattered piece, turning the chipped side towards the wall, hoping to forget the damage.
[I am trying to put words and reasons to my decisions with not much luck at any of them being truly legitimate.]
But why do I go ahead with unapproved things? Because of fear, I suppose, and a thirst for progress. Can't progress sometimes be described as "new thinking," but in reality, it's covering up an idea quite far from progression in thought?
I know a few of my last decisions have been made as a result of mistaken identity, and I've been on a course fearful to face my reality. Until now. Lessons learned. Can there be retribution for these, and will Time be fair and give me my absolution?
