i hate it when i see straight

January 19, 2009

Sometimes I've been selfish.  Actually, for the past few months.  Ok, so we all have.  I've been that way a lot.  You see, I try to protect myself from any emotion that isn't happy or fulfilling, because I don't really know how to deal with the other ones.  Like when Jeff gets upset and then it upsets me.  Or whatever.  I get even more upset because my emotions are being persuaded towards sadness, or anger, or tears.  And I'd rather be happy and at rest.  However, the fact remains that while relationships may bring you much joy and strength and happiness, they also involve people, whose real emotions don't just include these above mentioned.  Pain. Agony. Frustration. Annoyance. These are all the emotions that I fear and cannot stand to be laden with, and I fear relationships because I don't want anything interfering with my happiness.  Jeff, on the other hand, is ready for all my emotions - good and bad - and he loves me in spite of them.  God, I hate when I find flaws in my characters or personality because there are so hard to extricate from myself.  I can't stand when I find things in someone else that exceed my own person, and it's pure selfishness that drives such an irritation.  Jeff is so many things I'm not, and sometimes I have a hard time coping with those things.  I hate feeling inferior.  And his love, while making me feel beautiful, strong, and inspiring, also reminds me of how much my own love could stand to deepen to such depths as his already is.  Instead of running, I need to learn, and not be afriad that I might feel something unpleasant.  Because loving so deeply also has its rewards...