preparations...

January 18, 2009

Tonight is the first night I feel well enough to write, because on the night of Thursday the 15th I contracted some sort of stomach virus and spent 8 hours throwing up (11:00 pm until 7:30 am).  All this time I had not a moment's relief from the horrible, horrible stomach pains, and during those 8 hours, I threw up at least 10 to 12 times.  It was by far the worst night I have ever experienced in my life.  I didn't sleep until 12 o'clock noon the next morning (Jan. 16).  I didn't even sit up until 10:00 pm that evening.  That night I slept til noon Saturday (Jan. 17) but had to call into work again (like Friday), because I had yet to walk.  I felt a lot better and ate some eggs, toast, rice, and soup.  My mom thought I was a lot better so she game me Zaxby's - a grilled chicken sandwich with honey mustard sauce and lettuce, and seasoned fries and more sauce.  A couple hours later (11:00 pm) I began to feel awful again and proceeded to throw up for 4 hours.  I did not think it could possibly happen again, but I felt just as wretched those 4hours as I had the nights before.  This time, my mom didn't have to sleep on my floor like she had to on Thursday night (which, by the way, we didn't leave the bathroom until 4:00 am on either morning).  I will never forget how horrible the whole weekend has been.  Today, Sunday, I have done nothing but lay around, read, and write thank-you notes from graduation.  Never again will I eat a chicken sandwich the day after a virus like that.  I'm still sort of nauseous, even now, but nothing will ever compare to Thursday.  Thank God that night is over.

Only one week remains until I am gone.  By this time next Sunday evening, I will be in Munich, Germany's fine airport being picked up by my new family.  Finally, the moment of apprehension has come for me.  Last Monday, Jeff and I had our goodbyes and tears were not absent.  Feeling life go by without him for just a week has been hard, and I begin to wonder how much my heart is going to miss him while I'm away.  It's going to be hard, and my heart and body and soul are going to ache for him, as they are beginning to already.  But strangely, I welcome this longing, because it is a way in which I can gauge my feelings, which for a while were becoming uncertain.  All the appregensions leading upto my departure for Germany have made us both act strangely at times, and some days I wondered so many different things.  Now that we are apart, however, I feel as if I can see much clearer now, yet I don't want to state anything too hastily, for it has only been a week.  I want to give myself time away from him to decide if I want to pursue this or leave this now.  I realize the decisions I make in the next couple of years are going to have ramifications that will follow the rest of my life.  Even decisions I make tonight.  Every day that I keep talking with him, I tell him (and myself) that the future for us is together.  If I tell him it's over, the direction of the course of our lives will be shaped in that moment.  Therefore, I feel that weight every time I think about pointing our relationship in any direction, even if it is just the simplest statement: I love you.  Everything we say insinuates something.

I realize I am ambitious, and I would hate to think that my ambitions would cost me my heart.  I want to find a way for both to exist and be mutually satisfied.  I feel sometimes I don't commit entirely to Jeff because I am afraid I am making the wrong choice.  However, I don't have the first clue as to how to make the right choice in this kind of decision.  Do Ifollow what I feel now and hope I will always feel this way? or do I give myself a few years to test it out, in the meantime possibly wasting both of our time?  or losing him forever...  On the other hand, perhaps it's been made all too complicated by me, a person who does not always enjoy the uncertainties life sometimes brings.  For now, I love him.  But I want the wisdom that time apart brings, and that is why I feel this year's separation in Germany will benefit us both in the long run.

We'll see how this next week goes in getting ready for Munich.  I've already packed, but I still gotta clean my room and see a few people, plus we have Hope's wedding Saturday, so I'm really looking forward to this last week home.  I plan to take in as much of my family as possible - I will miss them more than anything - oh, and I get my epidural on Wednesday (which I'll be in bed for all day and Thursday!)  Hey, at least I'm getting a lot of time at my house, which is way better than anywhere I can think of.